Mile 2, 876

Location: Los Angeles, CA

Today was a bit hellish--well, the last 24 hours anyway. Last night, I was finally uploading all of my videos and photos from the past 3 years that I'd been hoarding on my camera onto a new hard drive I had gotten for Christmas. I had just started deleting the files on my camera, when, suddenly, the hard drive crashed. I was devastated--that on top of all the crap I've been getting at work and the sudden realization that I really don't have a social life here outside the office, I'm lonely, far away from all of my friends, and more broke than a dog on roller skates. I took it to Best Buy but they wanted to charge me like 250 dollars to even try to fix it so I guess I'm on my own to try to figure out a way to save my one-terabyte life.

J, my boss, called yesterday from Europe to talk to me about what she wants me to do while she's gone, which is basically just clean up her messes and help the editors with whatever they need to get their projects done on time. She finally confirmed what I had originally feared, that she would only pay me exactly what I needed for rent, gas and food be damned. I expressed reluctance and she asked me if I was comfortable with that amount, I said not really, so she said she'd pay off my mileage and only require me to work 3 days a week so that I'd be free to find another job because, which I really appreciate and would be really useful, if I could find another job. I'm filling out an application for Peet's coffee.

We ran a shoot today--an interview for an EPK--in the office. At the last minute, R had me run out and get craft services-type stuff for the people coming to the office. It was money J gave us for our own food, but we figured it would look bad if we didn't at least have bagels. When the producers got there, one asked if we have anything other than cream cheese to put on the bagels. Me: "Like?" Producer: "Oh, you know, peanut butter." Me: (in wonderment, to myself, suddenly remembering the stash in my desk) "I have peanut butter!" Producer: "Well, don't share if it's too much trouble." But the way he said it was like, of course you'll give me your peanut butter, that's expected of you. Now, understand, I'm living off peanut butter right now, so giving him some for his bagel was like giving up a meal to someone who probably spent more than my monthly rent on their average dinner. I wonder if he noticed me putting all the leftover food into baggies and sticking it into my purse to take home. Being broke sucks.

I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago from a nightmare. In the dream, I died and became a ghost and had to watch as everyone I knew get to live their lives; graduate from college, get great jobs, get married, grow old--and I had to watch, frozen and unable to partake. I awoke extremely distressed and panicked. I spent at least twenty minutes trying to tell myself that it was just a dream and that thank God I was still alive--no matter what other shit was going on in my life, at least I had that. Then I realized that this was my reality--to a certain extent--I get to watch all these young producers and actors (some not much older than myself) live these lives of grandeur and power while I'm stuck in the same cycle. I'm right back where I was last year, just watching these people live their big, grand lives. I must be crazy. This isn't at all what I want to do with my life. What does being an assistant at a commercial production company have to do with wildlife and social issues documentary? The average person might assume I could gain something--they're both on television after all--but really, honestly, not a whole lot. But how do I get that kind of experience?

Guess I'm just stuck until I figure that out.