Mile 4, 237

It's been a hard couple weeks--I came pretty close to losing my canvassing job. Quota's a bitch. I got really caught up in the numbers for a while; luckily I met a couple people this week who reminded me why I'm out in the streets doing what I do. I've been talking a lot about the legislation in Utah--the one that can cause a woman who has a miscarriage to be convicted of murder. Scary stuff. The scariest parts are that a) a lot of other states have legislation just like it now in place and b) the lawmakers in Utah claim to have rewritten the bill, replacing "reckless" with "negligent" in the wording as if that changes anything. Only 4 out of 29 Senators in Utah voted against the "miscarriage" amendment. Here's a pretty good timeline of what's been going on in Utah along with a look at the dismal sexual education situation in the state: http://www.alternet.org/story/145956?page=1

This has been my first of four seven-day work-weeks I'm set up for for the rest of the summer and I'm already beyond exhausted. My room's a mess because I get up early and when I come home--late--I'm too exhausted to clean. All that refined sugar and exhaustion means that I'm cranky which isn't a good way to be when you're trying to ask people for money.

As for my other job, my boss has been out of town for a week and I've been running errands all over town, not the least exciting of which led me to start coaching girls' lacrosse. (Long story short, I ended up at a park with one of my boss's colleagues whose daughter was starting lacrosse camp that day; the coach arrived, saw me tossing a ball around with the daughter and asked me to stay.) I ended up working at another camp later that week and I love it.

Last week was the week of independent films. I went and saw "Tambourine Man", "Ondine", and "Agora". "Agora" was my favorite. It was about a female philosopher named Hypatia who lived during the fall of the Roman empire. She believed in the universe and she believed that there was a pattern to the movement of the planets and the stars. The story of her passion for astronomy and discovery is set against a backdrop of the Pagan-Christian transition of the Roman empire in the Roman city of Alexandria. In the beginning, the Pagans are allowing the Christians (who practice a religion once banned in the empire) to exist within their city walls, but soon, with the emperor's approval, the Christians rise up and slaughter the Pagans, and later, the Jews. A huge theme in the movie is Hypatia's unwillingness to commit to any religion and her obsession with understanding the universe (her own religion, in my interpretation). Hypatia is rumored, in history, to have discovered the elliptical movement of the earth around the sun, but since the Christians burned the library at Alexandria (considered the most important stockpiles of human knowledge at the time), the majority of information we have about her studies is lost. The film chooses to show her making this discovery, only to be stoned to death by the Christians. The film poses as a great reminder for the violence and bloodshed that has served as a beginning for many a religion. I wish more people remembered that killing in the name of any god is still killing. I don't know that I have any more than that to say right now.

Time to start a new week. Good night.

Mile 3,803

I am a terrible blogger.

It's not that nothing has been happening--I've just been feeling very very lazy about it. And now I'm sitting at work doing nothing and I figure--why not?

Canvasing sucked this week. For some reason, I wasn't on my game at all--like, at all. I went from having a $600-day to a $3-day. It was awful and I thought I was going to get fired. I didn't make quota all that week, in fact, so it seemed very possible. They did let me stay, however, they stopped inviting me to Field Manager trainings so I guess I can kiss that $16 an hour good-bye . . .

Canvasing has other perks besides money though and that is truly why I do it ;) Talking to people, enlightening the public about the dark side of our democracy . . . getting free concert tickets and invitations to Kathy Griffin stand-up from complete strangers ;) There were also that one stoned guy who asked me to go see a movie with him, like right now, and the other one who asked me for my phone number, and the Jesus lady who told me I was going to hell because I was gay (that was an assumption on her part based on our tagline "Come fight for gay rights!" . . . nobody said that simply being a Christian made you particularly well-informed.

I have a friend coming to visit this weekend. I took the weekend off work. I think we're going to hit the beach, a flea market in Pasadena, maybe the Hollywood Forever Cemetery and a movie. It will be nice to have someone to hang out with :)

Mile 3, 401

Location: Los Angeles, CA, USA

Took the weekend off to relax, but ended up getting stressed out of my mind anyway. On Saturday, I stopped at a gas station on my way back from yoga. I was talking to a friend on the phone as I grabbed my credit card and got out of the car. Out of instinct, I think I must have locked the car as I got out--only the keys were still on the front seat. I was so mad and frustrated when I realized it after I filled up.

I called a couple of tow truck companies and lock smiths, but they all wanted fifty bucks or more to unlock the car--the kind of money I definitely don't have. I finally called my mom, even though she's two thousand miles away, and was telling her I didn't have fifty bucks when suddenly this girl walks over from another pump and holds out a fifty dollar bill. I nearly dropped my phone. Me: "I can't take that." Her: "You're stranded. Take it. I don't need it." Me: "Really, no, it's ok." The girl basically threw the money at me, smiled, and walked back to her Land Rover and drove away. Seriously.

My mom called me back ten minutes later to let me know that AAA was on their way to unlock the car--it had been cheaper apparently to add me to her yearly plan than to get my car unlocked once. The whole situation made me realize how important my car really is--I pretty much live out of it. I'm just glad I still have a car and that it works and that I didn't get mugged at the gas station.

So now I have this fifty dollar bill burning a hole in my wallet and not for the usual reasons. I feel like I should pay it forward, but I find myself being picky when I see bums holding signs next to the street. I should just take it to a soup kitchen or something before I get mugged and the money goes to no good use at all.

My boss hasn't come in yet this week, but after today I go back to the ACLU for the rest of the week, so I hope she comes in to update me on what I should be doing in the office. Otherwise, I'm just cleaning up the kitchen, printing more business cards than anyone could possibly need, and surfing Facebook.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do about Mexico. I want to go, but the rents are still disapproving and it definitely could be dangerous. And, also, part of me just wants to go home for a little while. Just to chill out. I think maybe I need that. Globetrotting can wait. Maybe. Damnit.

Mile 3,241

I started my new job today. I was canvasing for Grassroots Campaigns on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). I was really nervous at first--canvasing means basically going around asking random people for money. With GC, there is a rap you have to memorize and there are quotas every canvaser has to meet and that made me very nervous. Luckily, it was a lot easier to get the rap down than I thought it would be and I made quota my first day, even though we were at what my supervisor noted was a sucky location--a grocery store near UCLA on a Friday night--it was all college student and half-drunk people running in to buy beer and nobody wanted to stop.

I could have worked that job again today, but I'm not ready just yet to give up my yoga class on Saturday mornings and I haven't gotten my sleep schedule worked out. And since the Saturday shifts are 9-5 instead of 2-10, I thought it might be difficult to do one back-to-back. But maybe that's just an excuse. Looking forward to yoga tomorrow ;)

Mile 3,158

Sunday night I got a call from my roommate. He said a buddy of his from work was working on a music video and that the video's producer was looking for some production assistants. He gave me the producer's number, I called and was in. It was my first paid gig, for a musical punk rock/electronic group. It was a lot of fun--it's amazing how talented practiced lip synchers are ;)

It was technically my first non-independent production. Lots of things were the same--craft services sucked, people joked around on set, hair and makeup took way too long--but a lot of stuff was different too. For example, set-up for all the different scenes didn't take forever and a day--the lighting crew was on it. Also, the director, camera guys, and most of the producers didn't hang around for clean-up (that was left to us) as opposed to in independent productions where help is so scarce to find that everyone does everything and so while I was a little disgusted with that, earlier events actually left me impressed with the higher-ups. For one thing, the cameras were amazing and they had two of them--this made for more efficient shots of the party scene and it meant that they didn't have to lug one camera up and down the stairs to the other location and they could do set-ups while another scene was being shot. The director put me off at first; my first thoughts upon seeing her were "Cool, a girl director, this is new and awesome" and "Wow, this girl must have been really pissed when "Tik Tok" came out cuz she thought Ke$ha totally stole her style." She seemed really on top of things and organized as far as directing went, but I couldn't shake my impression that she was a little bit of a ditz somehow. Then she completely caught me off-guard at the end by coming up and giving me a hug and telling me I hadn't been overlooked. I was really impressed that she used my name. Most directors don't give a crap but I was really impressed that--whether she knew all along or had just asked someone before coming over--that she took the time to at least try to show that she cared. I have a lot of respect for that. Then she left after wrap at 8pm, and me and the rest of the Art Department were cleaning up the apartment until after 11pm. Whoever decided the party scene needed feathers, popcorn, and glitter was not the one who was going to clean it up. Tri-fecta of the art department's worst nightmare.

Meanwhile, I got another email from the professor at Cal State about the Mexico trip. He's still going, State Department be damned, and he's looking for takers. The rents say no, but I can't pass up an opportunity. The more time I spend in offices, the more I realize this is not the kind of life I could live for a long period of time. I really want to get out and do something new, experience something completely different. So I'm torn--not going on any trips would give me time with my family but going would give me a new insight on what I want to do with my life. So I don't know. The trip costs $500 and I told myself if I find a new job in the next two weeks at a decent rate, I will consider going on the trip.

As for the job search, I haven't heard back from many places--make that one--I have heard back from only one place. I went in for an interview at a beach club in Santa Monica. I think I intentionally flunked the interview though--as soon as the girl interviewing me (she looked like she was fresh out of high school) started talking about how working with kids is one of the best things in the world and how I would be go go go all day and would work all weekends until the beginning of June, I felt like this probably wasn't a good fit, especially since it only paid about 7-8 dollars per hour. They said they'd call if I fit the bill, but I'm pretty sure my lack of enthusiasm for the job showed thru--it's not that I don't like kids, I just don't know if I have the energy to keep them engaged for 8 hours a day (they described the job as literally dragging kids off the playground--to participate in activities like capture the flag and tug-o-war--the sort of thing I hated as a kid). I guess I'll just keep applying . . . or hope that more production gigs come my way.

Mile 3,056

So now I'm not going to Montana either. It sucks. My mom called today. The rents have pulled the plug. The lady at Cal State wasn't happy--and why should she be? Her paycheck depends on selling intangible experiences to unsuspecting college students--but I'm the one trying to fall asleep tonight with the haunting feeling of lost opportunity.

Mexico might still be an option--but I'd have to really break the rules to make it happen--not any laws, mind you, but it would be against the wishes of a lot of people who love me and it would probably break the bank too--which is why I need to find a way to make some money before I even think about it.

I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post and I'm too lazy to check--my boss told me she's willing to let me work another job during the week--so I've got 2 open days in my week now. I've been combing craigslist for something--restaurant gig, housekeeping, anything. Of course, the ideal job would be something in production, but I've almost given up on that--150 applications and I haven't heard back from even one employer. Either there's something wrong with me or there's just too many damn people in the job pool.

It's kind of weird; I went out and applied for a job this morning at a country club, then rushed back down the I-10 to make it back to the office in time to interview another potential employee for J. The girl I was interviewing was all like, I need to make my rent and I was thinking, sister, you have no idea how much I feel you. But I imagine it's not classy to tell someone you're interviewing that you're looking for another job apart from the company they're interviewing for because it doesn't pay well enough.

Mile 2, 876

Location: Los Angeles, CA

Today was a bit hellish--well, the last 24 hours anyway. Last night, I was finally uploading all of my videos and photos from the past 3 years that I'd been hoarding on my camera onto a new hard drive I had gotten for Christmas. I had just started deleting the files on my camera, when, suddenly, the hard drive crashed. I was devastated--that on top of all the crap I've been getting at work and the sudden realization that I really don't have a social life here outside the office, I'm lonely, far away from all of my friends, and more broke than a dog on roller skates. I took it to Best Buy but they wanted to charge me like 250 dollars to even try to fix it so I guess I'm on my own to try to figure out a way to save my one-terabyte life.

J, my boss, called yesterday from Europe to talk to me about what she wants me to do while she's gone, which is basically just clean up her messes and help the editors with whatever they need to get their projects done on time. She finally confirmed what I had originally feared, that she would only pay me exactly what I needed for rent, gas and food be damned. I expressed reluctance and she asked me if I was comfortable with that amount, I said not really, so she said she'd pay off my mileage and only require me to work 3 days a week so that I'd be free to find another job because, which I really appreciate and would be really useful, if I could find another job. I'm filling out an application for Peet's coffee.

We ran a shoot today--an interview for an EPK--in the office. At the last minute, R had me run out and get craft services-type stuff for the people coming to the office. It was money J gave us for our own food, but we figured it would look bad if we didn't at least have bagels. When the producers got there, one asked if we have anything other than cream cheese to put on the bagels. Me: "Like?" Producer: "Oh, you know, peanut butter." Me: (in wonderment, to myself, suddenly remembering the stash in my desk) "I have peanut butter!" Producer: "Well, don't share if it's too much trouble." But the way he said it was like, of course you'll give me your peanut butter, that's expected of you. Now, understand, I'm living off peanut butter right now, so giving him some for his bagel was like giving up a meal to someone who probably spent more than my monthly rent on their average dinner. I wonder if he noticed me putting all the leftover food into baggies and sticking it into my purse to take home. Being broke sucks.

I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago from a nightmare. In the dream, I died and became a ghost and had to watch as everyone I knew get to live their lives; graduate from college, get great jobs, get married, grow old--and I had to watch, frozen and unable to partake. I awoke extremely distressed and panicked. I spent at least twenty minutes trying to tell myself that it was just a dream and that thank God I was still alive--no matter what other shit was going on in my life, at least I had that. Then I realized that this was my reality--to a certain extent--I get to watch all these young producers and actors (some not much older than myself) live these lives of grandeur and power while I'm stuck in the same cycle. I'm right back where I was last year, just watching these people live their big, grand lives. I must be crazy. This isn't at all what I want to do with my life. What does being an assistant at a commercial production company have to do with wildlife and social issues documentary? The average person might assume I could gain something--they're both on television after all--but really, honestly, not a whole lot. But how do I get that kind of experience?

Guess I'm just stuck until I figure that out.