So now I'm not going to Montana either. It sucks. My mom called today. The rents have pulled the plug. The lady at Cal State wasn't happy--and why should she be? Her paycheck depends on selling intangible experiences to unsuspecting college students--but I'm the one trying to fall asleep tonight with the haunting feeling of lost opportunity.
Mexico might still be an option--but I'd have to really break the rules to make it happen--not any laws, mind you, but it would be against the wishes of a lot of people who love me and it would probably break the bank too--which is why I need to find a way to make some money before I even think about it.
I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post and I'm too lazy to check--my boss told me she's willing to let me work another job during the week--so I've got 2 open days in my week now. I've been combing craigslist for something--restaurant gig, housekeeping, anything. Of course, the ideal job would be something in production, but I've almost given up on that--150 applications and I haven't heard back from even one employer. Either there's something wrong with me or there's just too many damn people in the job pool.
It's kind of weird; I went out and applied for a job this morning at a country club, then rushed back down the I-10 to make it back to the office in time to interview another potential employee for J. The girl I was interviewing was all like, I need to make my rent and I was thinking, sister, you have no idea how much I feel you. But I imagine it's not classy to tell someone you're interviewing that you're looking for another job apart from the company they're interviewing for because it doesn't pay well enough.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Mile 2, 876
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Today was a bit hellish--well, the last 24 hours anyway. Last night, I was finally uploading all of my videos and photos from the past 3 years that I'd been hoarding on my camera onto a new hard drive I had gotten for Christmas. I had just started deleting the files on my camera, when, suddenly, the hard drive crashed. I was devastated--that on top of all the crap I've been getting at work and the sudden realization that I really don't have a social life here outside the office, I'm lonely, far away from all of my friends, and more broke than a dog on roller skates. I took it to Best Buy but they wanted to charge me like 250 dollars to even try to fix it so I guess I'm on my own to try to figure out a way to save my one-terabyte life.
J, my boss, called yesterday from Europe to talk to me about what she wants me to do while she's gone, which is basically just clean up her messes and help the editors with whatever they need to get their projects done on time. She finally confirmed what I had originally feared, that she would only pay me exactly what I needed for rent, gas and food be damned. I expressed reluctance and she asked me if I was comfortable with that amount, I said not really, so she said she'd pay off my mileage and only require me to work 3 days a week so that I'd be free to find another job because, which I really appreciate and would be really useful, if I could find another job. I'm filling out an application for Peet's coffee.
We ran a shoot today--an interview for an EPK--in the office. At the last minute, R had me run out and get craft services-type stuff for the people coming to the office. It was money J gave us for our own food, but we figured it would look bad if we didn't at least have bagels. When the producers got there, one asked if we have anything other than cream cheese to put on the bagels. Me: "Like?" Producer: "Oh, you know, peanut butter." Me: (in wonderment, to myself, suddenly remembering the stash in my desk) "I have peanut butter!" Producer: "Well, don't share if it's too much trouble." But the way he said it was like, of course you'll give me your peanut butter, that's expected of you. Now, understand, I'm living off peanut butter right now, so giving him some for his bagel was like giving up a meal to someone who probably spent more than my monthly rent on their average dinner. I wonder if he noticed me putting all the leftover food into baggies and sticking it into my purse to take home. Being broke sucks.
I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago from a nightmare. In the dream, I died and became a ghost and had to watch as everyone I knew get to live their lives; graduate from college, get great jobs, get married, grow old--and I had to watch, frozen and unable to partake. I awoke extremely distressed and panicked. I spent at least twenty minutes trying to tell myself that it was just a dream and that thank God I was still alive--no matter what other shit was going on in my life, at least I had that. Then I realized that this was my reality--to a certain extent--I get to watch all these young producers and actors (some not much older than myself) live these lives of grandeur and power while I'm stuck in the same cycle. I'm right back where I was last year, just watching these people live their big, grand lives. I must be crazy. This isn't at all what I want to do with my life. What does being an assistant at a commercial production company have to do with wildlife and social issues documentary? The average person might assume I could gain something--they're both on television after all--but really, honestly, not a whole lot. But how do I get that kind of experience?
Guess I'm just stuck until I figure that out.
Today was a bit hellish--well, the last 24 hours anyway. Last night, I was finally uploading all of my videos and photos from the past 3 years that I'd been hoarding on my camera onto a new hard drive I had gotten for Christmas. I had just started deleting the files on my camera, when, suddenly, the hard drive crashed. I was devastated--that on top of all the crap I've been getting at work and the sudden realization that I really don't have a social life here outside the office, I'm lonely, far away from all of my friends, and more broke than a dog on roller skates. I took it to Best Buy but they wanted to charge me like 250 dollars to even try to fix it so I guess I'm on my own to try to figure out a way to save my one-terabyte life.
J, my boss, called yesterday from Europe to talk to me about what she wants me to do while she's gone, which is basically just clean up her messes and help the editors with whatever they need to get their projects done on time. She finally confirmed what I had originally feared, that she would only pay me exactly what I needed for rent, gas and food be damned. I expressed reluctance and she asked me if I was comfortable with that amount, I said not really, so she said she'd pay off my mileage and only require me to work 3 days a week so that I'd be free to find another job because, which I really appreciate and would be really useful, if I could find another job. I'm filling out an application for Peet's coffee.
We ran a shoot today--an interview for an EPK--in the office. At the last minute, R had me run out and get craft services-type stuff for the people coming to the office. It was money J gave us for our own food, but we figured it would look bad if we didn't at least have bagels. When the producers got there, one asked if we have anything other than cream cheese to put on the bagels. Me: "Like?" Producer: "Oh, you know, peanut butter." Me: (in wonderment, to myself, suddenly remembering the stash in my desk) "I have peanut butter!" Producer: "Well, don't share if it's too much trouble." But the way he said it was like, of course you'll give me your peanut butter, that's expected of you. Now, understand, I'm living off peanut butter right now, so giving him some for his bagel was like giving up a meal to someone who probably spent more than my monthly rent on their average dinner. I wonder if he noticed me putting all the leftover food into baggies and sticking it into my purse to take home. Being broke sucks.
I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago from a nightmare. In the dream, I died and became a ghost and had to watch as everyone I knew get to live their lives; graduate from college, get great jobs, get married, grow old--and I had to watch, frozen and unable to partake. I awoke extremely distressed and panicked. I spent at least twenty minutes trying to tell myself that it was just a dream and that thank God I was still alive--no matter what other shit was going on in my life, at least I had that. Then I realized that this was my reality--to a certain extent--I get to watch all these young producers and actors (some not much older than myself) live these lives of grandeur and power while I'm stuck in the same cycle. I'm right back where I was last year, just watching these people live their big, grand lives. I must be crazy. This isn't at all what I want to do with my life. What does being an assistant at a commercial production company have to do with wildlife and social issues documentary? The average person might assume I could gain something--they're both on television after all--but really, honestly, not a whole lot. But how do I get that kind of experience?
Guess I'm just stuck until I figure that out.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Mile 2,696
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Yesterday was kind of an emotional roller coaster for me. I was sitting at a desk in S's office and was wondering how I ended up in the intern pit again and feeling depressed about being "back here" again (as the other new interns didn't hesitate to point out: "wait, you came back?"). I was thinking, I can't pay my rent and I had trail mix for breakfast, but at least I have Mexico and Kenya to look forward to when California State called to cancel the Mexico trip. I'm devastated--I had really started to fall in love with whale sharks from all the research I was doing. The administrators offered me a spot in their Montana program though and I think I'm going to take it. Problem is, all the equipment and stuff is really expensive: I need a framepack, leather hiking shoes, a new sleeping bag, a new tent, a pack cover, new cookware, etc. So I was really depressed, but then I got an email from J, my boss, saying that she'd finally gotten the deal she'd been waiting for and I was like, is this good news for me too? (aka will I get paid so I can pay my rent) and she asked me what my rent was. I told her and she was just like ok. Then she said she'd get back to me. Oh boy.
Yesterday was kind of an emotional roller coaster for me. I was sitting at a desk in S's office and was wondering how I ended up in the intern pit again and feeling depressed about being "back here" again (as the other new interns didn't hesitate to point out: "wait, you came back?"). I was thinking, I can't pay my rent and I had trail mix for breakfast, but at least I have Mexico and Kenya to look forward to when California State called to cancel the Mexico trip. I'm devastated--I had really started to fall in love with whale sharks from all the research I was doing. The administrators offered me a spot in their Montana program though and I think I'm going to take it. Problem is, all the equipment and stuff is really expensive: I need a framepack, leather hiking shoes, a new sleeping bag, a new tent, a pack cover, new cookware, etc. So I was really depressed, but then I got an email from J, my boss, saying that she'd finally gotten the deal she'd been waiting for and I was like, is this good news for me too? (aka will I get paid so I can pay my rent) and she asked me what my rent was. I told her and she was just like ok. Then she said she'd get back to me. Oh boy.
Mile 2,682
Dated: Monday, May 3rd
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Found out very late Sunday night that I would be working with J. on Monday. This meant that my week of trying to find a paying job is gone. She will work me all week and dangle the carrot of potential true employment in front of my nose the whole time. She says if she gets a certain job, she will pay me, but I wasn't a part of the planning for that so I have no idea where it is right now or when I will know.
Went out to dinner with the family I'm staying with. They seem really cool--maybe too cool for me. Their son is adorable. It was a nice way to break up the week between my first day and the rest of the week.
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Found out very late Sunday night that I would be working with J. on Monday. This meant that my week of trying to find a paying job is gone. She will work me all week and dangle the carrot of potential true employment in front of my nose the whole time. She says if she gets a certain job, she will pay me, but I wasn't a part of the planning for that so I have no idea where it is right now or when I will know.
Went out to dinner with the family I'm staying with. They seem really cool--maybe too cool for me. Their son is adorable. It was a nice way to break up the week between my first day and the rest of the week.
Mile 2.678
Dated: Sunday, May 2nd
Location: Culver City, CA
This seemed like the longest day of driving ever. The California desert is expansive. We just kept getting closer and closer to Los Angeles, little bit by little bit and I was so exhausted I just wanted to be there. We finally made it to the address of the family I'm staying with and they let me in. The room is awesome.
Location: Culver City, CA
This seemed like the longest day of driving ever. The California desert is expansive. We just kept getting closer and closer to Los Angeles, little bit by little bit and I was so exhausted I just wanted to be there. We finally made it to the address of the family I'm staying with and they let me in. The room is awesome.
Mile 2,139
Dated: Saturday, May 1st
Location: Sedona, Arizona
We set out from our motel refuge early (but not too early) and set out across the desert. We stopped at the painted desert to ooo and ahh at its beauty (it really was beautiful). We also saw a lot of pictographs (is that what they're called) on the rocks left by people thousands of years ago. It was really cool.
Sedona is a lot more built up than either of us remembered. There are a lot of artsy stores and it seemed like the tourists were much more interested in shopping than in the beautiful scenery around them.
We camped down by the river in Oak Valley and did a short hike after pitching our tent. It was very pretty but it got dark fast. Feeling like total campers, we curled up in our tent with my laptop and watched "Planet Earth."
Location: Sedona, Arizona
We set out from our motel refuge early (but not too early) and set out across the desert. We stopped at the painted desert to ooo and ahh at its beauty (it really was beautiful). We also saw a lot of pictographs (is that what they're called) on the rocks left by people thousands of years ago. It was really cool.
Sedona is a lot more built up than either of us remembered. There are a lot of artsy stores and it seemed like the tourists were much more interested in shopping than in the beautiful scenery around them.
We camped down by the river in Oak Valley and did a short hike after pitching our tent. It was very pretty but it got dark fast. Feeling like total campers, we curled up in our tent with my laptop and watched "Planet Earth."
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Mile 1,875
Location: Gallup, New Mexico
We made it through the rest of Missouri, all of Oklahoma, Texas, and are currently a few miles from the Arizona border.
Today was our longest day, driving-wise. We had originally planned on stopping and camping just outside Albuquerque but it got cold quick and after several wild goose chases down dark, winding country exits-off-the-freeway-to-nowhere we decided against camping and broke down and got a motel room in Gallup. I expected the desert to be warmer, but it's supposed to snow tomorrow.
Oklahoma was very beautiful, but the high winds across all four states has kept us with both hands on the wheel. It was really cool to watch the landscape change from the lush, green temperate forests to the dry, red, rocky desert. We listened to a lot of podcasts, especially "Stuff You Should Know" and "This American Life". A particularly cool podcast was This American Life's health system care history and analysis--it turns out that our "system" isn't so much a system as it is a series of accidents and interlocking, competing corporations. It was really cool and I strongly recommend it.
Tomorrow is Sedona :)
We made it through the rest of Missouri, all of Oklahoma, Texas, and are currently a few miles from the Arizona border.
Today was our longest day, driving-wise. We had originally planned on stopping and camping just outside Albuquerque but it got cold quick and after several wild goose chases down dark, winding country exits-off-the-freeway-to-nowhere we decided against camping and broke down and got a motel room in Gallup. I expected the desert to be warmer, but it's supposed to snow tomorrow.
Oklahoma was very beautiful, but the high winds across all four states has kept us with both hands on the wheel. It was really cool to watch the landscape change from the lush, green temperate forests to the dry, red, rocky desert. We listened to a lot of podcasts, especially "Stuff You Should Know" and "This American Life". A particularly cool podcast was This American Life's health system care history and analysis--it turns out that our "system" isn't so much a system as it is a series of accidents and interlocking, competing corporations. It was really cool and I strongly recommend it.
Tomorrow is Sedona :)
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